still trapped
in this crystal prison
cold in shadow
you’ve shut me out
a wall of ice between us
I was right
you didn’t need me
I was barely a curiosity
I’ve done it again
let my mind drift back to you
I’m trapped
drowning in the glass
of your discarded curio collection
stumbling along silently
wishing I was someone else
force the hand across the paper
etching lines
meaningless lines
simply to make a mark
prime the pump
tap the vein
dig for that dark red ink
A fiction created from hope
the notion that this could ever be
a perfection born of idealism
and an invented context
and perhaps a touch of ego
(too much ego)
grasping well above my reach
aspiring to touch the heavens
with a stepladder
denying the truth I knew from the beginning
i. Alexandria
She was a library to me
a collection of the greatest works
ever wrought by gods and men.
Endless volumes of forbidden lore,
opening, flowering beneath my fingertips.
Breathing her wonders into my mind.
Engulfing me in worlds uncharted
and the endless knowledge of many things
And then she closed
I didn’t know how to open her
so I waited, ignorant
and hoped
for answers
that never came
to a multitude of questions
That I could never understand.
——
ii. Cassandra’s Lament
I had an apology on my tongue
that first day we kissed
“I’m sorry,”
I wanted to say,
“for hurting you.”
Because I knew I would
I didn’t say it.
I didn’t want to spoil the moment.
I should have.
She may have believed me then.
——
iii. Impossible Standards
I never stopped seeing her halo.
All she saw was horns.
I would still rather serve in Heaven
For there is no ruling in Hell.
——
iv. Thorns
The rose punishes the hand that dares prune it,
and punishes worse the one that does not.
——
v. The Slow Process
For each of a thousand kisses,
she now delivers a thousand tiny cuts.
Those intimate moments shared,
now returned as pain,
for injuries both real and imagined.
I suspect I bleed for the imaginary.
While I punish myself for the real.
braced for it
stomach tight and tensed
turned to protect my vitals
the impact drives the breath from me
sink to my knees
gasping for air
trying not to heave
stay down, or struggle to my feet?
winding up again
braced for it
there is no preparing for this
I pass the time
wandering in and out
of my own mind
Only to find
I am a fleeting passing status line
And she fades
from green to grey
Just outside
of my peripheral
I see a shadow creeping
slowly fading
across this crowded wall
While she fades
from green to grey
Movement spied
She is everywhere
and suddenly nowhere
She is a vapor trail
But suddenly still and silent
I watch her fade
from green to grey
Tongue tied
Thoughts dying
on my lips
I am numb
through to my fingertips
As she fades
from green to grey
If the planets should align
without murderous intent
and catch us in their conjunction
will we shine as bright as day
and cast our shadows wide
to edge out all our ills?
Or will we simply stand in place
the momentary gravity anchoring us
facing opposite poles?
I stand on this slate-grey rock,
lit unnaturally by some unseen glow,
adrift in a barren, starless void,
tinted a color darker than black.
And into this void I shout
my carefully crafted words,
a missive, a paen, to someone…
Somewhere I know she hears.
It feels an eternity I spend waiting,
as seconds turn to minutes and into days,
I stand, (im)patiently, (im)perfectly still,
for an echo that may never come.
Buffeted by time and tide
and crashed upon by my own waves
that surround me
seeking to drown me
in an angry sea of contemplation
Another year around to find
that once again I am split asunder
I am set adrift
I am left bereft
floating in this numbing isolation
I sink to the bottom
and rest my weary eyes just for a time
let the pressure suffocate me
enervate and castigate me
This frail attempt
to cry myself to sleep
even this cannot succeed
under the tears of the ocean that surrounds me
and seeks to drown me
And so I tightly shut my eyes
and wait for tomorrow to arise
and crawl to dry land
find my own island
and find the ground beneath to catch my footing